when we found out i was pregnant we were a bit surprised, of course we knew there was a chance (if you are trying there usually is), but we had to try so hard and long for jules that this pregnancy sure did came a bit as a 'surprise'... a very welcome one, i may add. the first weeks were a bit of a blur. i was really sick (you may remember me telling you guys i wasn't feeling very well in january....) and i had so much time thinking about the baby, that i expercienced something that i didn't when i was pregnant the first time: FEAR.
fear that something may go wrong. i am still feeling this from time to time. with jules i was carefree, maybe because i didn't know yet what i 'could' loose, maybe because of the fact that i wasn't sick that time and had loads of energy... maybe... maybe... who will tell. the fact is that the fear is here and will probably stay here untill i get to hold that little person with my own two hands (or arms).
besides the feleling of fear i also feel slightly panicky sometimes: TWO kids. i mean, TWO... will i be able to handle that? well, i sure will have to now and deep down i know that we can do this. we are realistic and know that sometimes we will probably want to run away from a situation, but we aren't the first couple to raise two kids. we will do this and try our best.
but above all we are really happy. it melts my heart when jules points at my belly and says 'baby'... he then pulls my shirt up and wants to kiss it (tears well up in my eyes - hormones... o yes they are present).
that's it for now. i have to go and get jules from his playdate.